Heartburn..

19/9/2008

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As predicted

Today was pretty awful. If you read the previous post about getting to work on time, you’ll love this: my hangover didn’t really “kick in” until about 9. The only faculty bathroom is on the other side of the campus and I felt the first wave of vomit hit when I was teaching everyone that Bears on Wheels is truly a stunning work of fiction. I grabbed an aide and told her I had to pee, then sprinted to the bathroom, passing other teachers and doing my best to smile. When I got there, I puked in a way that could only rival two vomitevents: an 80s movie about summer camp or that time I did that Exorcist thing on Silver Strand beach seven years ago. I threw up stuff I don’t even remember eating. It’s good to remember why I hate Jack Daniels. Stick to Beam, dude.

Then, when the horizon started to clear, one of my more severely autistic students had a meltdown and tore out a clump of my hair, patch of scalp included. I started to wimper (because that shit HURTS for real) and I added the event to two lists of supporting evidence for the two hypotheses that govern my current employment situation. First, the only way to keep a job in this economy is to find a job nobody wants, for which there will always be a demand. Second, the more complex the organization, the more irrational and illogical its policies become. (Stole that one from Catch 22, but it’s not like people really read anymore, so fuck it.)

The reason I bring up the second part is that I spent the beginning of the week in some bullshit training for special ed teachers about non-violent crisis physical intervention which is basically, “How to let kids continue destructive behavior, get yourself injured, and just make sure you don’t get sued.” Yesterday, I went to another training strictly for teachers of autistic students and it was about corrective behavior and the two seminars pretty much cancelled one another out. Have you ever tried to take away a non-verbal autistic kid’s favorite “stemming” object? You fucking can’t. At the first training, the instructor went a bit ape shit when I suggested that, as public school teachers, it shouldn’t be our job to toilet train students. CALL ME CRAZY, but I think that’s where parents need to step up to the fucking plate. Having a “special needs” child is something I will probably never experience so I cannot completely know what it’s like, but c’mon. This isn’t private school or some sort of clinical institution, I’m not equipped to spend hours in the bathroom showing a non-verbal kid how to take a decent shit.

After work, I had to pay a bill in downtown Oxnard, so I paid a visit to Discount Warehouse, a.k.a. Cholo Macy’s. It was a good time to stock up on slutty underwear, cosmetics that make Kat Von D look subtle, and Virgin Mary gear. Like John Waters, I am fascinated by Mariolotry which is the (undue?) worship of the Virgin Mary over Jesus Christ. (I’m an atheist who was raised Jewish, so it’s not like I deeply care about this, I just find it entertaining.) Waters also enjoys “extreme Catholic behavior before the Reformation.” Read Papal Sin for a good time. Gay popes, corrupt popes, an alleged female pope, it’s all in there. I really want to read a copy of Holy Anorexia: Eating Disorders of the Saints. Too bad the Oxnard Public Library doesn’t have a copy of it.

If you really love me, you could always “gift” it: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0226042057/sr=8-1/qid=1221877822/ref=olp_product_details?ie=UTF8&me=&qid=1221877822&sr=8-1&seller=

I mean, check out the key terms for Christ’s sake: (do you see what I did there?)

Key Phrases - Statistically Improbable Phrases (SIPs):
ist rel, anorexic behavior pattern, holy anorectics, holy anorexics, holy anorexia, putative saint, canonization proceedings, third autobiography, novice mistress, high prelates, dei santi, harsh austerities, female piety, male clerics