Imaginary Charlie Rose is here
and he just asked me why I’m deleting all of my internet accounts (except for this one, Facebook, and Flickr).
The short answer is that I am just getting too sensitive for all of it.
The long answer is that the internet enables two of my absolute worst qualities: being entirely combative or desperately non-confrontational. What I mean, is that my misery is almost entirely my own fault. I created this void and spent too much time thinking that I had friendships and relationships I clearly did not have. What’s 290 friends on Myspace if dozens of letters, phone calls, and text messages go unanswered? (Oh and P.S. the whole “I’m so busy” excuse is a bit dishonest. I’m extremely busy and I will always have time to answer/send a card/say something nice.)
I have hurt people and, for the most part, I have tried to make amends the best way I know how, but I guess nothing is ever truly enough. I expect everyone to love me and when they do not, I completely withdraw. (Here’s the catch, though: I am completely in love with everyone.)
Perhaps one of the problems is that, aside from the few moments I spend blogging about being so lonely, I have no time and no money to do anything that really interests me. I can never go anywhere and I rarely drive and this (rightfully) offends the few people whom I want to see.
Aside from ritualistic suicide, is there a cure for this?
