January 2009
1 post
I will never say anything bad about Mickey Rourke ever again. Go see The Wrestler.
December 2008
2 posts
Euna...
Remember how I posted a pic of the contents of my bag and you were dismayed because I started using cheapie make-up? There is seriously something wrong with my brain. I re-organized my closet for the first time since moving and I found this huge stack of Sephora and Valentino boxes…packed with the $2500-3500 worth of cosmetics and skin care products I FORGOT I HAD BEFORE I MOVED.
In the...
Dear Santa
Dear Santa,
You’re probably wondering why I, an adult of the Jewish persuasion, am writing to you after all of these years of calling bullshit on your mere existence. Here it goes: as a kid, I was encouraged to write to my older relatives, not to seek money per se, but as a means to build some sort of intergenerational bridge. The relatives read my long, painfully-written letters about...
November 2008
2 posts
No real desire to post lately
No real desire to do much at all.
Have some of this mirrorball vodka. That ain’t a metaphor, baby, it’s for sale.
Cherry Bomb
I hate myself so I read this bizarre guide for tweens about how to fuck rock stars and be a “kick ass chick” called Cherry Bomb. Since I’ve been with my fair share of musicians, which is to say that I don’t think I’ve been with more than five people who weren’t musicians, I thought I’d chime in to tell you what utter bullshit pervades this book. Here are...
October 2008
18 posts
If you're "not that into" me
or you’re a “natural loner”….DO NOT FUCK ME FIRST. DO NOT WASTE MY FUCKING (pun intended) TIME.
It’s weird when a period of failure after failure subsides for a split second and you think that perhaps, you’ve reached some sort of equilibrium. In other words, you’re breaking even for a minute or two and maybe things will be alright.
NOPE.
It’s all...
The best spam I have ever received:
“Replica Watches are inexpensive and sometimes give the impression that you are wearing the Genuine Rolex while you are catering the posh cocktail party.”
Watch
i don't want to hear those three words
i want to hear four words: “how was your day?”
or “how do you feel?”
or “i actually give a solitary shit about how you relate to the world.”
is that some sort of crime?
new gang gang dance tomorrow!
anyway, I was reading a faaaaamous fashion blog (har?) where one of the editors claimed that she perfected her own “smoky eye” make up. um, from what i saw, she didn’t and her advice on the subject was ehhhhh dubious. so, from years of drug abuse and knowing a whole boatload of models, trannies, and grannies, here is how to do a “smokey eye”:
the great part about...
Rachel Zoe….you are not 37. That would make you nine years older than I am. God bless being pudgy, I look like I could be her grandchild.
(More on this later. There’s a method behind such madness)
Are you kidding me?
I have strep throat and pneumonia.
Sure, I feel like shit, but hearing that from my doctor only makes me feel worse.
Not to get too fashion bloggery
but today was such a good shopping day. See, this ice hockey rink holds a rummage sale every year and I actually wind up with five to ten shopping bags full of insane garbage for like eight bucks. Some of my best pieces come from this thing. My wacky Ralph Lauren logo blazer with the weirdo pocket square? Check. My Janes Addiction shirt with real methhead pit stains? Check.
My running theory is...
My friend Barrios is a genius
Whenever I need to be reminded of this, I read the last couple sentences of his “about me” section:
I had to leave that place, so I shed my body and became a four-dimensional sphere for an eternity, encompassing everything that had ever existed or will ever exist. At the same time came my return to a fleshy body. Once again bound to time and space, I rediscovered the joy of...
An interview with me!
Conducted by myself
ME: You want pizza, don’t you?
I: Yes, Me, but I’m on a diet and I…oh shit.
ME: Just think of that white sauce, artichoke and garlic pizza from Cordello’s. Why look, you have a coupon!
I: Fuck you, dude.
I love it when friends sneak in funny shit
that’s not a sexual sorta metaphor…
My beautiful, wonderful cohort, Veronica is a designer for Forever 21 and while reading her blog, I noticed this underneath an illustration: “I love the fact that I put the Earth in cowboy boots. Implied global American hegemony? I wonder…”
IMPLIED GLOBAL AMERICAN HEGEMONY. Now that’s fashion.
I found something worth exactly $12.78
Josh Hartnett’s hair in The Faculty…it’s sort of a bowl cut with wings.
Worthless cable discovery #282
I dissed a girl and I liked it.
I can’t prove it, but I think Katy Perry’s existence gives me seizures.
Stray Observations: Eagle Eye
or….I watch shit movies so you don’t have to watch shit movies.
-Do we live in a world where Michael Chiklis is the most reasonable man in the Department of Defense?
-Why does the most advanced supercomputer on Earth look like the backdrop of a Lenny Kravitz video?
-There is more product placement in this movie than in two hours of Super Bowl ads. Should our lives come to an early...
I would like to be the spiritual leader of a rogue nation.
five of my favorite words
trauma
swash-buckle
adios
naturally
clearly
(i over-use all but swash-buckle. let’s bring some scenarios into my life where swash-buckle is a proper word choice.)
The pain was enough to make a shy, bald Buddhist...
That’s not just another hyperbolic Smiths lyric, it’s actually how I felt today. Aside from the usual calamities, we had a specialist in class today who decided her primary job was to just shit all over me while talking over my head. Now, I am non-violent, passive, and gentle. Also, I am no twig. However, one thought made itself perfectly clear to me, like a stark page from the...
September 2008
21 posts
Holy shit!
Holy Anorexia is the best book EVER.
Where little cable cars climb halfway to the stars
I think San Francisco is full of the biggest bunch of__*___________ sort of people in the entire world, but I still want to move there because it houses all of my best friends.
*overdressed
*over-educated
*under-worked
*”let’s make sure this font is Helvetica”
*”too young to have been there”
*”shielded from reality”
Throw your homework onto the fire...
Wow…not one, but two interesting apologies in my inbox this morning.
Here’s to winning the war after losing every battle.
So today
They handed me a huge laundry list of things I am doing wrong at work, including (but not limited to): having large breasts and wearing whorish perfume. I felt shitty about this for a few hours until I realized I can keep this list and sue someone if I really grow some balls. That’s my problem. I talk like I’m tough shit because I drink so much, but in reality, I still suffer from...
“i went through a 2-day phase of wanting to dress like whoopi goldberg in...”
– i
As predicted
Today was pretty awful. If you read the previous post about getting to work on time, you’ll love this: my hangover didn’t really “kick in” until about 9. The only faculty bathroom is on the other side of the campus and I felt the first wave of vomit hit when I was teaching everyone that Bears on Wheels is truly a stunning work of fiction. I grabbed an aide and told her I...
so...
i drank WAYYYYYYYYY (extra y for emphasis) too much last night, yet somehow, i got up at 5:00 to go to work.
why was the first and only song in my head that “steal my sunshine” song from like 10 years ago?
you decide, i decide.
If you are a professional
and I am a professional…
and we both work for the county…
and my question to you is completely relevant and easy to answer…
ANSWER YOUR MOTHERFUCKING E-MAIL.
peace.
I teach special ed
Yes, it’s rewarding. No, I don’t like being punched in the arm and shit on (LITERALLY) all day, either.
Also, I’m not a fan of being paid once a month for the month before the last.
TIME TO GET SEDATED.
Oh yeah, when you teach special education, be prepared to never feel even remotely sexy ever again.
Four things
Peacock feathers
Jade
Siamese cats
Cherry blossoms
Public Transportation
So, in the last few years, the train I used to take to work/school has killed about 30 people.
http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/09/13/train.collision/index.html
Unless you're Cindy Sherman
taking pictures of yourself really isn’t art.
Imaginary Charlie Rose is here
and he just asked me why I’m deleting all of my internet accounts (except for this one, Facebook, and Flickr).
The short answer is that I am just getting too sensitive for all of it.
The long answer is that the internet enables two of my absolute worst qualities: being entirely combative or desperately non-confrontational. What I mean, is that my misery is almost entirely my own fault. I...
I have the sneaking suspicion that
I’m possibly a second or third tier friend to those whom I consider my best friends.
Vote early and often
I haven’t posted anything recently because I’ve been busy and depressed, but I’d like to suggest a slogan for Sarah Palin:
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
because I cannot stop saying it.
Everything about the Republican ticket disgusts me on a level that rivals the experience of being anally violated by an umbrella while listening to silverware being scraped...
A few observations
since I’ve spent the last 8 hours swilling gin, popping vicodin and xanax and chain-smoking…
People who are obsessed with Japan (aside from Momus and my buddy, Eps) are really fucking boring and they don’t seem to realize that they are completely objectifying an entire culture based on shit they find cute.
As much as I enjoy reading teenage fashion blogs (creepy, I know), I...
Okay, here's the situation
There are two movies that have never been available on DVD that are two of my absolute all-time favorites:
Tales of Manhattan with Charles Boyer, an amazing Edward G. Robinson, and Henry Fonda
and
That Most Important Thing: Love (or L’Important c’est d’aimer) with Romi Schneider, Fabio Testi, and Klaus Kinski
If you can find me these movies or working torrents for these...
August 2008
26 posts
I am so fucking stupid.
In the last week
I went to a wedding, started a new fantastic job, and seriously contemplated having children with someone whom I (uh oh) really like.
So, I’m a wee bit tired. Time to get drunk.
where we fuck up
If you’re a man and you drink a lot at a party, you’re a fun party dude. If you’re a woman, you’re a psychotic slut.
If you’re a man and you display any courage of conviction, you’re a brave man. If you’re a woman, you’re clearly a man-hating dyke.
Do you know why this shit still happens? We, as women, for some ungodly reason buy into it. Also, we...
So yeah
I went to a rich people hippie wedding yesterday with little notice. Rich hippies are, to put it mildly, irritating. Hippies are irritating. The whole thing was “Stuff White People Like” the home game even though the bride is Indian. Wait, that’s Asian so……….bonus points for everyone!
You know what’s not irritating? Drinking two extra large bottles of red...
